Relationship OCD and the Senses

Let’s talk about trusting the senses in Relationship OCD.

This comes down to not trusting our true intentions regarding our relationships; our true desires about our relationship/other party; our true feelings about the other person/relationship.

Expectations in Relationships

All relationships can include ambivalance: friendships, romances, parent/child relationships, siblings, co-workers, pet/human, etc. We can have a good relationship and not always feel 100% positive about the relationship or the other party. This is normal.

What matters are true feelings - as well as our intentions/desires to keep working on (and/or stay in) the relationship or not.

Reasonable Doubt in Relationships

Reasonable doubts are based on direct evidence from the senses in the moment. They are NOT OCD. There can be direct evidence the relationship is no longer healthy (abuse, deceit, etc.). There can be direct evidence that the relationship has run its course (no longer a wish to spend time with that person consistently; a wish to end the relationship). In these situations, the person has real emotions that they do not doubt; as well as true intentions and/or desires to leave the relationship.

In reasonable doubt situations, it can also be true that the person may no longer desire the relationship, but they could still intend or desire to stay in it for other various reasons: Finances, fear of being alone/companionship, children, health insurance/health concerns, religious/cultural beliefs, home ownership, shared experiences, history, don’t want to start over, loyalty/dedication to their role, etc.

So, even if there isn’t a desire to be in a relationship with the the other person anymore, there can still be intention to stay.

Obsessional Doubt in Relationships

In obsessional doubt, the person desires or intends to be in the relationship, but they doubt those intentions/desires/emotions. This obsessional doubting is what causes distress. Maybe I don’t really love my partner. Maybe this isn’t the right partner for me. Maybe I’m in the wrong relationship. These doubts go against what is actually true. The person does love their partner. They are with someone who is a good match for them. They want the relationship, but are terrified that they are going to lose it/are lying to themselves about wanting it.

Relationships are Complex

To make things even more complex for people with OCD - they can have reasonable AND obsessional doubts about a relationship.

Example: Ava’s partner keeps forgetting to pay a bill. This is annoying. It makes Ava doubt their partner’s financial responsibility. There is direct evidence here - so this is a reasonable doubt. Ava laughs a lot with their partner. They have a ton of fun together. Ava can’t wait to get spend time with their partner on the weekends.

And yet...Ava has the obsessional doubt: Maybe I don’t really love spending time with my partner. This goes against Ava’s true emotions about spending time with their partner.

People with OCD Can Have Reasonable Doubts Too

Just because someone has OCD doesn’t mean that all of their doubts about a relationship are obsessional.

If there is direct evidence in the current context, then the doubt is a reasonable doubt.

Ask yourself this: What evidence would I have to have to know this is a reasonable doubt? If the other party in the relationship screams and yells at you a lot - that is direct evidence that the relationship may not be as healthy as you would like for it to be. So the doubt of Maybe I’m not getting treated well would be reasonable in that moment/context.

The Full Range of Senses Help Figure Out If the Doubt is Obsessional or Reasonable

OCD (through inferential confusion) loves to make us DOUBT what is true. And one way it can do that is by using the very natural and human span of fluctuating emotions to make us doubt a fuller context.

Example: Sam is an attentive parent. He makes sure his children’s needs are met every day. He writes them sweet notes in their lunches, and when he is at work late, he calls to sing them a silly bedtime song. There are lots of hugs and care in this family. But, Sam does feel frustrated and angry with the kids sometimes. Sam wonders, What if I don’t really love my kids?

When we look for direct evidence here - Sam’s anger and frustration are part of a bigger picture. His every day actions, intentions toward his kids, and desire to be their dad matter too. His momentary anger and frustration are not evidence he doesn’t love his children. They are evidence of a moment of normal parenting. The direct evidence of the love he has for his kids is evident in his intentions toward, desires for, and care of his children. When he looks at those things, he can resolve the doubt.

Another example: Pen has a lot of fun with her partner, but after eight years, there are some things that her partner does that really annoy her. Pen also doesn’t feel that “spark” from the early days of their relationship anymore. BUT, she knows she can rely on her partner. Her partner is loyal, funny, and smart. Pen feels safe and cared for. It might not be as exciting as it once was, but it feels like home. She and her partner share financial goals and belief systems. They get along well and are good at compromise. Pen can’t imagine ending the relationship.

Despite all of the good things, Pen has the doubt, What if I don’t want this relationship anymore and just don’t want to admit it? This is a doubt about POSSIBLY lying to oneself. But there is evidence here that Pen could trust: her true intentions and desires.

She doesn’t rely on possibility alone to guide her in other areas of her life. She doesn’t worry she is lying to herself about her intentions to be a good human to her dog. She doesn’t worry that she is lying about her desire to stay committed to grad school. She doesn’t need to rely on possibility here either. She can trust her senses.

Normal Relationships Experiences vs Obsessional Doubts

Relationships of all kinds can be tough. They can be affected by normal ups and downs. They can be affected by attachment styles or past trauma.
But none of that is OCD. OCD is about obsessional doubt.

Reasonable doubt will have direct evidence from the full menu of senses (including intentions, emotions, and desires) in context. Obsessional doubt will not have direct evidence from the full menu of senses to support the doubt in the Here and Now. One momentary emotion (annoyance/frustration/anger) doesn’t equal “proof” that an entire relationship is bad. Look at the full context. And having OCD doesn’t mean that ALL of your doubts are obsessional. Direct evidence from the senses alerts us to whether or not a doubt is obsessional or reasonable.

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Sources

O’Connor, K., & Aardema, F. (2012). Clinician’s handbook for obsessive compulsive disorder: Inference-based therapy. Chichester: Wiley-Blackwell.